Does this guy look like he’s about to get hit by a pie? Photo by Walter Iooss

I need help, on several levels -- you likely already know this, but here I refer to help with this section of this magazine.

By way of explanation:

In spite of having quite a few woman friends – not ex-girlfriends, which is a whole different concept -- with whom I communicate on more than a superficial level, and in spite of a long and varied history with women on the predictable other level (passion, lust, affection, dishonesty, intrigue and sordidness), like Freud (a HUYA Syndrome sufferer of the first order) I still have not a clue as to what women want.

But I’m already in trouble, aren’t I, just in figuring that there is a common woman-want? A dubious (and sexist in a dumb ass way) assumption.

A quick aside on personal history:

My last girlfriend’s overriding want was to have sex with as many men as possible, meanwhile persuading me that she had no interest in other men. There’s more to it (think a When Harry Met Sally remake by George Romero), but enough for our purposes here.

Surely this is not what women want.

There was a woman who just wanted to be loved by me, and love me in return.

Ditto, unfortunately.

So here’s the problem: How does a sap like the one in the above photograph handle a section in a magazine geared for women?

As always, a little research – aside from personal history, as alluded to above and elsewhere here – is in order. So this morning (mid-July), stopping for coffee on the way to my morning surf-check, I bought the first women’s magazine that caught my eye -- it was hot pink, had a hot babe on the cover, along with "The Hot Issue" blaring in the upper right, where my eye naturally settled after reading the mag’s name.

Cosmopolitan.

My theory: The publishers of women’s magazines have done serious research on what women want. Further, the conclusions of the serious research will be reflected in the cover art and blurbs.

Please note the point-of-sale stuff, the article heads that are meant to get women to buy the thing.

As I write this, I haven’t yet read any of the articles. So before we go further, let’s look at a men’s magazine cover point-of-sale article heads. Might tell us something.

How about Men’s Journal – surely a good example of a men’s magazine, if the name is to be taken at face value.

Due to my history with this rag, I have no intention of buying one, so let’s use a cover I happen to have in my archives, since I shot it; it’s already scanned and ready to drop in here.

Notice the difference in point-of-sale blurbs.

Click to enlarge

Cosmo: Every one – about a dozen – of the blurbs are men/sex related. Okay, except maybe the one about Julia Stiles being the least bitchy girl in Hollywood. (By the way: Who the fuck is Julia Stiles? Did she write those old cook books?) And maybe the unadvertised piece about a woman getting attacked by a grizzly. (Where did that come from? I was wondering, until I noticed that it was followed by a cautionary tale called “Haunted by Her Ex,” which was then followed by one about a woman who was murdered by her ex.)

Connecting the Cosmo dots: Whatever women want, it has to do with men, either fucking their brains out or not doing so, and then to somehow avoid being murdered by them.

Okay. The Men’s Journal point-of-sale blurbs:

• 25 HIDE OUTS
• Hang Out
• Buy Land
• Do What You Want
• Be Left Alone
• Have the Time of Your Life

(Then down in the corner – right by my name, by God! – we have something about the coming football season.)

I would submit that not only are women/sex not mentioned or implied in these blurbs, but the subtext seems to be: HOW TO GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM WOMEN!

(Even – maybe especially – the football season reference applies here, right?)

What does this disparity mean? (You can be sure it implies more than magazine-marketing theory.)

I dunno, but it can’t be good.

So help me out here. What’s going on? If you have something on your mind that might… enlighten me… about… anything… please let ‘er rip via this section’s forum. (You’ll also come across it below.)

Hold on. Some balance, since you maybe picked up on a little contempt on my part for the Cosmo cover: Check this out. (What's your favorite cover blurb? I'm torn between 'Lethal Lust of the Teenage Prom Dancers!' and 'Trapped With the Hell Cats of Lust!'. No wait. Shit. 'Scream for My Kisses Before You Die!'... but damn, you wanna talk about art?)

According to market research, this apparently was what sold men’s magazines in the mid 1960s.

I lost my virginity in 1966 (I was 17, a late bloomer).

It’s amazing I’m not even more fucked up than I am, no?

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The Horror

Speaking of me being fucked up, I originally planned to use this in the Mainly for Men section. On reflection, though, I think you women deserve it too... (read more)

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Aplomb

A selection from Jamie Brisick's outstanding photo book We Approach Our Martinis With Such High Expectations.

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Participate in BanditoRadio’s Podcast!

If you’re a sexually active (the more active the better) human female (or know one) (read more...)

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Book Review: The Vagina Monologues

My politically incredibly incorrect review of The Vagina Monologues, as part of an email exchange with one of the stars of the stage show. You need to read the Podcast link above to get the full effect of this one.

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• Aplomb

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The Un-Immaculate Conception Aplomb