A question related to my review of The Vagina Monologues

As you maybe figured out, I like to stir people up – wake them up – get their pulse rates elevated, more blood to the brain, that sort of thing. The essay you’re taking a break from is of this sort. Whether you agree with my (inarguable) arguments or not, it should elicit a reaction.

But – I speak to the women here – I also want to stir you up in other ways. Specifically, the way that makes you squirm a bit and smile and fantasize.

Being a guy, I’m not quite at a loss as to how to accomplish this, but close.

Again, I don’t know what you want along these lines.

Best I can do is try to put myself in your place. If I’m going to fantasize about a woman (in the abstract), I first imagine a physically beautiful one, then add that she’s crazy about my sorry ass. (I know: There’s a catch-22 of the “I wouldn’t belong to any club that would have me as a member” variety but let’s get past that.)

So this fox can’t get enough of me. With some men (maybe the majority) that’s about as far as it goes. A fox that’s crazy about them.

Me, I need more than that…

Hold on. This is starting to sound like a Myspace page. I’ll get to the point.

Laird Hamilton and the Irons brothers, photo by Walter Iooss.

That’s the two Irons brothers (Bruce and Andy, can’t remember which is which) and Laird Hamilton on the left.

Good looking guys, right? All three near the top of what for me is the most amazing endeavor on the planet, wave riding.

Let’s focus on Laird. Give Laird a good look. Click on him to enlarge (so to speak) if you want.

Striking fellow, right? Is this enough to get you going?

I think back to Cosmo – they have photos of good looking guys too, usually accompanying articles about how you can lose weight and then fuck some guy’s brains out and then not get murdered by him. But the good-looking guys in the photos are all models. In other words, guys that don’t necessarily do much. (A lot of those guys are probably gay, for Chrissake.) I mean, is that what you want?

Okay. Now watch this:

That’s Laird. Does that up the fantasy quotient?

I try to imagine myself as a woman – which gives me the shakes, by the way. I think if I were a woman, the fantasy quotient wouldn’t just be upped, it would be upped off the fantasy scale.

Is this the case for you? Were your heart strings – and maybe whatever nether region strings you have – plucked big time from seeing Laird do that?

(By the way, I met Laird once. Back in 1969 on the North Shore, on the beach at Pipeline. He was just a little kid, but I still remember the encounter, and thinking, “If this kid doesn’t get himself killed before he’s ten, he’s going to be something else.”)

According to his dad, Billy Hamilton, here's how Laird got this way....

(I swiped the above footage from a wonderful movie called Riding Giants – a history of big wave riding. Superbly edited archival footage, excellent narration (written by one of surfing’s most literate scribes) and some modern-day interviews. There’s an even more amazing wave Laird rode [believe it or not], the footage from the legendary Jack McCoy, who is going to be a regular contributor to this e-zine. Check out Riding Giants. An example of how a really talented editor can assemble a wonderful movie.)

But my question: Should I find good-looking guys and show them doing amazing things? If so, what sort of things do you find amazing and that turn you on? (A really bad example, but which comes to mind: Once in a while – once in a blue moon, actually – I get propositioned by a woman who liked my books.)

Let me know (use the forum).

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Book Review: The Vagina Monologues Excerpt From Can't You Get Along With Anyone? : The Horror